Living with Type 1 Diabetes: Feeling Like a Failure Doesn’t Help

I got my A1C back a couple days ago. It wasn’t where I wanted it. I am going to disclose it here for the first time because I know so many of you understand the frustration I’m going through. The nurse wasn’t going to give it to me. She only mentioned that my doctor wasn’t happy with my diabetes control. I asked what my A1C number was and she said “Oh, I’ll have to look at that. It will be a moment while I pull it up”. I waited and wondered why I had to ask for such an important number. I’ve had Type 1 diabetes for 22 years. I always want to know what my A1C is.

She got back to me and said that it was 7.2. I was saddened because I was sure in my mind that it would be in the 6’s. At the same time, I had been struggling to get to 7 with all the gluten problems with undiagnosed celiac and my general bit of depression during those hard times of weird symptoms and no answers from the medical community. I had been at 7.4 just a little while ago.

I probably sounded shocked that they weren’t a bit nicer about it since it had gone down. The whole “the doctor isn’t happy with your diabetes control” bit seemed a bit harsh to me considering it had gone down. It would have been nice to hear “You are doing better. Keep working at it, we would like it a little lower”. The test is hard enough. Feeling like a failure doesn’t help. I was happy that it had gone down, albeit a bit sad that it wasn’t enough. At the same time, I have had some rough patches with all the recent health issues.

They increased my morning and bedtime long-lasting insulin. I protested a little and mentioned that the nighttime lows scare me so much that I run it a little higher at night. I know it is probably a good portion of the reason my A1C is higher, but I’m scared, big-time. I want to wake up each day! I told her this and she just passively said “Oh, yeah”. I also know that with my day job I tend to have a lot of lows. I am physically active at my job and so my blood sugars drop often and I snack frequently. I was worried about taking more daytime insulin too but thought I’d give it a try.

The first day I ended up really low twice by 5p.m. My husband worried. He said “I wouldn’t do it! They aren’t realizing how often you go low”. I felt the same, but I do want a lower A1C. At what cost does this low number come? I take 7 or more daily insulin injections to try to stay as tightly controlled as possible.

I haven’t done the nighttime increase just yet. I have gone low enough to be unconscious once in my life and it was overnight. I’ll never forget the voices of the paramedics trying to reassure me and waking up in the hospital sick from the glucagon. I was scared and battle scarred after biting my tongue while being combative in my sleep. I never want that feeling again. Doctors just see a glimpse of our numbers with an A1C. He doesn’t know that story from long ago that has haunted me for about 20 years. I think sometimes we need to decide for ourselves what is doable. We need to try to balance this fine line of high and low without getting hurt. I am trying not to feel like a failure. I am proud of myself for getting that number lower. I’ll just have to keep at it.